My Dearest Most Darling Andrea,
It is with much thought and contemplation that I come to you this day.
I have spent the last few weeks in much thought about US and the circumstances
we are in. I have lost much sleep trying to reach conclusions about where
we must surely be headed. I have read and re-read past letters, notes and
cards we have written to each other. And to say the least, my mind has
been boggled from the time I fell in love with you. Especially in consideration
of having my Love returned by you.
So as I sit here in Robbins with you close by, I consider these things.
I am a concrete man, conservative to a fault. Somewhere to the right of Attila The Hun. Everything to me is in plain terms, with all things very much figured in basic terms. There is a reason to all things and I can usually explain them in an engineering fashion, since that is my background. There is an action based on a reaction.
Therein lies the unexplainable. The awestruck feeling of being in your
presence. The touch that by it's very nature would seem to move me to the
core with a simple stroke. The kiss
that makes my body react in such ways that I am left week kneed. The knowledge of your presence without physically feeling your touch. The unmistakable feeling of knowing what
you must be thinking as you sense what I am thinking at the very same time. The ache of not having your touch as I miss your presence around me and sensing your same feeling. The distinct feeling I experience when you are either feeling sad,
hurt or depressed when my heart aches for you. What a dilemma for me. For the first time in my life that I don't have or cannot explain things in concrete terms.
For the last six or seven years, maybe more, I have gradually slipped off
into an abyss of indifference. What began as near pristine.....manicured
yards, keeping up with the Jones's, keeping a near perfect face for all
to see the "perfect family"
with the perfect number of three kids....began to turn into one
of indifference with lack of pride, mixed with one of "I just don't care" anymore. All my time and efforts have been wrapped up in my three sons, in whom I have much pride. But even that was not enough to overcome the gradual slide into the abyss. So not all was counted bad, but the lack of emotion and passion would surely show in the kids. No matter how much I tried to shield them from what was happening, they would eventually see what the real truth was.
Now we come forward to the present. When what has happened to me can only be described as being hit by a train. Discovering Love and discovering it in all of it's splendor. Finding out what it feels like to FEEL and have that returned back to me. Finding that one person in whom I can confide all of my innermost feelings of fear, hopes and dreams. Sharing things that I had never shared with another human being on this earth. Having now a soul mate in whom I know I am entwined with for all of eternity. Knowing that I had someone who shared my same dreams and aspirations for the future. And knowing that My Love is my Best Friend and Lover in whom I entrust my heart, is at the least very much awe inspiring.
I had fallen into a period in my life where little else mattered. My work had suffered for it as I took more and more time off to spend time with the boys. On the surface I know that sounds somewhat noble and yet I second guess sometimes the real reasons behind it. Escaping a relationship that had somehow gone bad and wrapping myself up in the boys could be said... though I do love my boys beyond my own life. But there has been something missing for all my life.
The ability to Love and be Loved is a new experience for me. Allowing my
innermost feelings and fears and dreams with someone was not something
I allowed myself to do. The result were relationships that were doomed
to failure because of that inability. In part, maybe in large part because
of past trauma in my life. I may never know just how much, but the experiences
of the past sexual abuse surely had an affect on my ability to bond in
a relationship. But miraculously enough, a healing of those old hurts had
taken place in the last couple of years or so. And I knew that when I began
to share my own experiences with you, hearing of your own, I felt the last
of the weights lifted from my shoulders. It was the release I needed to
get to where
I am today. Finally getting past the old and ushering in a whole new way of life. Hearing from someone who had experienced some of the same horrible humiliations, knowing she had gotten past it and shared with me as well things she had never shared with anyone else. Awesome to say the least.
And now I have discovered something few ever get to experience in a lifetime. The Depth & Breadth of which cannot be measured. A Love that goes beyond and defies description in common terms. This has begun a new way of life for me. A new way of thinking.
I have had & I have lost money in my life. Not that I was ever a millionaire.
But I have been "comfortable" in my life. My station has changed from poor
as a church mouse to living quite comfortably to having rent property.
But none of that has ever really mattered because in all those experiences
I never achieved a contentment, a peace, a happiness that could transcend
the bad experiences of my past. I never allowed
myself to be touched beyond the simple communications of the everyday world.....never allowing any real depth into my inner soul. It goes without saying that any relationship I formed was done so on a very shallow level, so as to not leave myself vulnerable. God blessed me with many talents..... enough that
I suppose I could have been anything I chose to be. And it is
in those talents that I sometimes hid from the world. Focusing on money and running from any real attachment to any one person.
Then along came you.....My Angel. Truer words could not have been spoken. It is with you that I began to discover a side of me that I was truly someone different from what I had been for the majority of my life. With you came unquestioned Love. With you came a true bonding of two souls, out of which developed into best friends. With you came an ability to communicate like I had never communicated before. With you came a relationship that allowed me to expose my true "inside and out". And with you I discovered I could love myself as well as another. And with all this happening, I discovered a new zest for life. A new incentive to achieve. And for the right reasons. I had lost that incentive along the way and now I am so ready to achieve great things with you. Not necessarily in becoming a millionaire, though that might be nice. But on the general face of it, a new desire to succeed and not feel guilty about succeeding. I look at you and the boys & I think, how I have missed out on so much of life. But I am ready to do so much for you and the boys. I have done more thinking and planning in the last few months than I can remember doing all my life. Excited about planning for the future like no other time in my life.
I have always had the ability to achieve things I set my mind to....yet
no fulfillment out of it. Now I must confess, I am so very optimistic about
achieving things for US it almost scares me. Fantasy or reality? Then I
think of it in very simple terms. For who and for what am I doing this?
The answer comes back loud and clear. You and the five boys between US.
Worries about their well being would have overtaken me before, and
yet I am convinced that as long as they are loved and know they are loved, they will come out just fine.
Love me My Dearest Most Darling Andrea!!! I ask you, no I Beg you, please don't make a quick decision about US. Please consider what we have, not that I desire anyone to be hurt. But rather, how can two people this much in love not come out okay, along with the children. Children who will surely know they are loved.
I know now that I need your touch....please I beg of you My Dear Sweet Andrea, don't take that touch away from me. I need it as I do air or water. It is that connection to you that I so desire. It is what makes me realize I am alive. And I know that you desire and need that same touch. To remove that would be as though my heart were torn from my body. I Love You Andrea!!! And as always, I Am & I Always Shall be Your Most Devoted & Tender Lover.
Jim, Your Romeo, Your Best Friend & Lover, Your Stud Muffin, Tarzan
& The One In Whom You Have Entrusted Your Heart